Cuatro: Take a Hit, January

As I was going through my daily excess of emails, I noticed an email I had purposefully marked as unread a few days prior. When I went to open it, I immediately noticed my major error and reminded myself what a forgetful nincompoop I can occasionally be.

I live about a block away from one of the hundreds of CVS convenience stores that are in the greater metropolitan DC area and find that I frequent there quite often to fulfill whatever convenient-related needs I have. I am not a fan of convenience-store foods (I subscribe to Michael Pollan’s idea that you shouldn’t fuel yourself at the same location that you fuel your automotive vehicle, and CVS carries those same products), so I don’t typically go to purchase items of consumption so much ask do for conditioner and razors.

It turns out that I enter the CVS around my block so often that I am on essentially a first-name basis there and all of the workers know my name. They even gave me am enormous discount on photos I had printed there; what should have cost me $40 cost me $10 (thanks again!)

During one of my visits, this one woman cashier offered me some sort of membership that would gain me extra points or give me an extra discount or some sort of money-saving venture. I’m not going to play the card of the devastatingly poor college student because I’d be lying, but if someone is going to give me free money I’ll take it.

So naturally, I accepted her offer. I believe I saved 20% on the spot … A whomping $0.80 as I believe I bought toilet paper or some other relatively inexpensive basic necessity. And as the offer stood, I was going to receive an emailed coupon which would save me 20% on my next visit.

The old woman inside of me got all excited about this because there was so much I could (and honestly had to) buy that I had been putting off for so long – and now I was going to get it at a discounted price! Not much gets me going as much as a good sale or deal; I love a good bargain. I was counting on my coupon to obtain so many items: Razors, more conditioner than consumable in one lifetime, mascara (my eyelashes are long enough so ideally don’t need anything fancy there), Burt’s Bees (I have me in every pocket of every article of outerwear that I own), moisturizing lotion, and so on. Alllllll the lady things were to be mine. I was so excited!

So like I began saying, I was perusing my emails. What I didn’t (but really should have known) about my magical coupon was that it had an expiration date, and that expiration date was February 28. Today (well now I suppose it’s yesterday) is March 1. This really enraged me… And by enraged I mean I mentally pouted for 5 seconds and may have emitted a slight fleeting frown. The only things that really get me angry are lies and meanness I think, but I’m not going to say that definitively. But regardless, my coupon had vanished for all intents and purposes.

Why in the world would the universe bring something so beautiful into my life jut to snatch it away at a moment’s notice? Why couldn’t I no longer engage in the money-saving endeavor I had so greatly anticipated? Life, for those 5 seconds of my being, did not seem fair.

Logically my next thought was to think about why in the world someone would make a coupon expire at the end of the month of February, which is a short, 28- to 29-day month as I’m sure you are all fully aware. My own logic quickly defeated me as it was completely self-explanatory; of course a coupon would expire at the end of the month… when else would it expire?

Which let me to my next compelling musing: the organization of the calendar that we use. Who designed that idiosyncratic entity anyway? Greg? Gregory? Gregorovich? No thats from Harry Potter. Anyway, the calendar makes absolutely no sense. 30 days hath September, April, June, and November my bottom. First of all, the saying isn’t even chronological so I don’t like it (organization is everything). Second of all, the amount of days in each month is completely erratic and jumbled.

Why is February so much shorter than the other months? It definitely has nothing to do with the rotation of the earth. Sure, winter days are shorter and nights are longer blah blah but the Southern Hemisphere of the world has February when we do so there’s a major flaw in that deduction.

Who the heck does this Gregorian designer think he is anyways? Does he hate February? Does he hate love? Why did he skimp on it? February is surrounded by two of the longer, 31-day months. Take a hit, January. Stop being so selfish, March. What do you need 31 days for anyways? It’s cold outside, end early. If January and March would each donate one day to February, it could be a normal month like the rest of the months and none of the other months would laugh and call it names anymore.

As a matter of principal, I am going to pretend that today (March 2nd) is actually the 30th day of February, go into CVS and demand the full usage of my 20% coupon. I am pretty positive that the government just passed a bill or law of some variety stating that gift cards can no longer have an expiration date as it doesn’t follow a reasonable sense of fairness, and as gift cards and coupons are fundamentally both the same thing (free money), I plan on using that argument to redeem my discounted items. I have a lion’s mane, darn it – I need my conditioner!

On another note, at least for me, I have discovered that I think the avocado makes the salad.

Devotedly & Passionately Yours,
DandyLion

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