Why didn’t I learn to treat everything like it was the last time? My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future.” ― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Notice: This is going to go a lot of places, because I am in a lot of places right now.

I feel like I have arrived to pick up my crown as the queen of saying and doing the wrong thing, and I would like to know where it is because I cannot seem to find it. And I know that this crown is justly mine because when I do something, anything, whatever it may be, I do not only not get the results I was hoping for, I don’t get any results at all. I just sit in this vast limbo of the dark unknown and I never get any clarity because why would the universe present me with the only thing that seems to be lacking in my life? The universe, as much as I want to believe in it, does not work for me, and I do not know why.

You know when you feel like a great big giant lumpy sack of crap because you try really hard in whatever aspect of your life but it seems like no matter what you do, the universe just wants to slap you in the face repeatedly with the whipping winds of a whiffle ball bat? You know when you are free, and genuinely yourself, and you make yourself open and vulnerable and you give everything you have but what you get back is less than nothing because you don’t even get an affirmative or negative response, for example, you just get nothing. Nothing.

I am the mayor of nothing! Because I know nothing. Of the realms of life that really matter to me, the ones that involve actual concrete living, involving other human beings and whatever relations you may have with them, I have absolutely no clarity. I don’t have a clue. And I honest to God hate it, and I can’t live like this anymore, but there are literally no options.

‘Unbearable’ is a really funny term because nothing is truly unbearable in that nothing is really modifiable. It doesn’t matter if you hate something, it doesn’t matter if you do not like where you are in life, your realm of options is relatively limited to what you can do personally, individually to change your current circumstances. If I hate the fact that I don’t know how my relationships are defined, (as an example) and though I may make the effort to define them, to discuss the possibilities of change, to attempt to articulate what it is precisely that makes something what it is, and maybe to try to contrive an idea of where something is going — that doesn’t mean that I will achieve my goal. It is actually infinitely unlikely that you will gain any sort of understanding in these issues if you don’t take any initiative. And if you are a wimp, like me, and the person whom you are trying to understand is either also a wimp or a completely nebulous enigma, that clarity becomes nearly impossible. And in doing so, that makes the unbearable forcibly bearable, because you don’t have any other alternatives but to bear it.

All I want, the only thing, the one thing, is just a little information. Where is my life going? Where will I be in one year? Where are these relationships with the people who matter most to me, outside my family, going? Why do I have to participate in these stupid mind games? But more than stupid, they are just mean. They are hurtful. They are not fun. They have a concrete limit, and I have surpassed that limit by several milestones. I hate games. I don’t like them. I am crap at responding to people, I am crap at making plans, I am crap at taking responsibility for a lot of my actions. But I would never purposefully want someone who I knew cared about me to feel so insecure and unsure. I would never make someone wait for me infinitely because I also don’t know what I am doing. I would at the very minimal least make an effort to say, ‘I don’t know,’ if I genuinely didn’t know.

Because no one really knows what they are doing! Honest and truly, when you go down to it, no one has a clue where life is going to take them even in five minutes – though I want to be sure that in five minutes I will still be sitting here sulking in my own uncertainty, maybe, by some grace of whatever God is out there, this layer will shed and I will understand at whatever percentage better what it is that is going on.

The world is an unsure place. Reality is only as real as we choose it to be. Reality isn’t really real, at the end of it. It’s just not. These are conceptions and contrivances of our mind, the vast universe of the cerebral within, but none of it is concrete. Our subjective perceptions of the world are just as unsure as the objective ‘reality,’ which is extraordinarily complicated to contrive anyways.

As human beings, we don’t need to add to this uncertainty. Just because we don’t know, doesn’t mean that we have to live in that space of not knowing indefinitely. Limbo is a really uncomfortable in which to find yourself in the long term.

But! There are steps that we can take to check out of the hotel we know as reality, even if it means living in a more difficult space. Hotel Reality is comfortable, but it is not real. Life isn’t like Hotel Reality, life is different and more complicated, but there are so many ways to simplify it! We can make plans based on the reality that we understand. We can do everything in our power not to let people hanging, not to play with people’s hearts and their minds and their feelings, not to string people along. We should apologize when we do something wrong. We should step outside the space of cowardice that we so often occupy. We should not hurt others, ever, for any reason.

On the positive side, we can also share with the people that we care about what we do know. We can tell the people that we care about, that we care about them. We can always, always, always say ‘I love you,’ because I love you is the best thing that you can say to someone if you really love them. Love is infinite, anyhow, if you truly do love someone.

I beg: Make strides to minimize uncertainty by being solid about the things that you do understand, negligible and scarce though they may be. Check out of Hotel Reality and check into Hotel Humanity, a subset of the Great Universe of Love.

Today I wrote a story
It’s one that I can’t share
But I want to tell you that I wrote it
So that you are aware

I tried to figure things out
Previously largely unsuccessful
Thinking if I found some truth
My heart’s beat would be more restful

The conclusions that I came to
Were so extreme I do not know
If it were the reality
How you could live your life so

I want you to know that I am sorry
I want you to know that you are brave
If I ever do see you again
To hug you I would crave

But not for my own selfish reasons
Though those would be nice too
But because I want to show that it’s okay
I’ll be your friend, I’ll stand by you

If I do know what is happening
With you and your life
I can’t imagine living with those secrets
You must be filled with strife

And I write this not to publish it
As to others it has no sense
But to let you know if you read it
I’d like real friendship to commence

I know that it sounds crazy but
When I met you I really cared
Maybe the world brought us together
So that your struggle could be shared

I think you tried to tell me
Once or twice or a few times
But I was a bit too dense
To allow it to enter my mind

I think that maybe you, like me
Use writing as your outlet
I admire what you are doing
And if you would allow me to try it

I’d love to be the best friend
That you have ever had
I’m sorry if my previous actions
Ever made you mad or sad

The situation that you are in must be so hard
But you are strong and courageous and you are good
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you
I hope you can be free as you should

I’m sorry if you feel trapped
I’m sorry if you feel scared
I’m sorry if you can’t tell the world
I’m sorry if it can’t be bared

You are the reason I started to write
I think now that is clear
I want you to know I am writing this to you
And that I am sincere

If you do read this soon or far
I’d love for you to tell me
I just want to be the right friend
Open to the possibility

But if you do not want to
I completely understand
I will be here if you ever need
Always willing to give a hand

Have a very happy birthday
Have a very happy christmas
Have a wonderful new year
And all the best of wishes

- DandyLion

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